The Legend of Pan
by Kaitorin
Summary: Pan is a boy who is just reaching puberty. He must save the world and the Princess of Hallmark from harm! Can he do it as his voice and other things start to drop? Ocarina of Time parody
1. The Boy Who Was Still a Boy

**_CHAPTER ONE:_** The Boy Who Was Still a Boy

A long time ago in a land far away there was a boy who lived in the forest. There were many other children in the forest that were parent less like him and ran around in green clothes all day. The only thing that was different from this boy and all the other forest children is that they had all reached puberty and he hadn't yet.

This little boy who's balls hadn't dropped yet was named Pan. He was quiet, odd, and had the ability to get his point across to anyone without speaking a word. The Spirit of the forest, which was a tiny itty bitty ant, knew that Pan was special. One day a dark and evil man named Dorkan met with the Spirit Ant. The Spirit Ant asked Dorkan what he wanted and Dorkan told him.

"I want my mother back," Dorkan said. The Spirit Ant had no idea what the man meant.

"I mean... give me the Tinsel of Forest!" Dorkan corrected himself. The Spirit Ant flat out refused to give the Tinsel of the Forest to such a rude man. So Dorkan huffed and he puffed and he stepped on The Spirit Ant. With The Spirit Ant's last breath he summoned puberty to find Pan and bring him into manhood. Puberty came quicker than Pan would have wanted. When his voice started to crack, Pan asked everyone what was happening to him. All the forest boys laughed at him and all the forest girls giggled at the boys.

Pan rushed to the Spirit Ant. He knew the Spirit Ant would never laugh at him. The Spirit Ant was able to live long enough to explain to Pan the changes that were going on in his body. He also gave the sacred Tinsel of the Forest to Pan. Before he passed The Spirit Ant told Pan to go see the Princess of Hallmark.

So Pan left his beloved home and headed for the Town of Hallmark in hopes of seeing the Princess. He only wished she would help him with his understanding of puberty and reality.


	2. The Princess of Hallmark

_**CHATPER 2:**_ The Princess of Hallmark

And so Pan traveled to the Town of Hallmark just as The Spirit Ant had told him. The Town of Hallmark was a town kept separated from the outside by a moat and a very large stone wall. At night the bridge that gave entrance to the town would shut. Pan did not make it in time sadly. He was forced to stay outdoors until morning.

During the night he was attacked by other children who had hit puberty. They wore dark, dirty, rags and constantly tried to give him drugs. When the sun came up they screamed and disappeared into holes in the ground. Luckily they hadn't gotten Pan...

Pan entered the castle quickly and looked around the large town. There was snow everywhere but it wasn't cold. People dressed up like characters on a christmas card and skated on a frozen fountain. The women wore dresses and bonnets and the men wore three piece suits. Pan felt out of place...

A girl dressed up like a doll saw Pan walk by her. She giggled and greeted him. She then told him her life story, her address, told him that she was all alone, in a place that was not familiar to her, and the password to her father's bank account as well as her social security number. Fortunately enough for her Pan didn't understand a word she said; because he wasn't paying attention.

Happy to make a new friend the girl, who's name was Tiffinar, took him to the castle gates.

"My dad is somewhere by the castle probably sound asleep and he left me all alone! So, what do you want to do? Huh? You want to see the Princess of Hallmark? Oh my GOSH I do too! But I know she shoud be nice because everyone thinks so.. but I would probably totally hate because she might be prettier than me. But my dad says I'm the most beautiful girl in the world. But like.. he's my dad and that's weird and doesn't count! Hey where you going?" Pan started to climb the gate that kept out all the commoners. The guard standing by it looked up and watched him struggle to get over. It took twenty minutes but Pan did it. The guard turned away after he had.

The other guards stood and watch Pan sneak by them with small interest. It had been a long time since they had been home. They had forgotten their purpose in life and who they were. Only that they all looked the same and had no personality. There really didn't seem a point in living anymore for them.

Pan made it all the way to the courtyard and saw the Princess of Hallmark standing by a window and looking in it. He approached quietly and slowly.

"Hey Ferick? Why do we have this random bomb with us?"

"I don't know.. maybe it has to do with the twenty dollars I have in my pocket, Ginger."

"Huh.. let's toss it out of the window," Suddenly twenty dollars and a bomb landed on Pan and he was DEAD. But a fairy from out of nowhere brought him back to life.

After the explosion the Princess of Hallmark turned around looked down at the boy named Pan.

"Who- What- Why- How did you get past the guards?" She asked him. Pan pushed himself off the ground and dusted off his clothes. As the Princess watched him in shock he stood, adjusted his clothes, and shook around to make sure everything was in working order. As he shook the Tinsel of the Forest slipped out of his pocket and floated to the ground.

"Is that- the Tinsel of the Forest? No... WAY!" So the Princess of Hallmark told Pan her life story, her strange dreams, tales of mysterious men, why she hated her daddy, how cool green clothes were, how she totally trusted Pan with her life, and ancient secret tales that should only be shared between royal family members. Somehow Pan agreed to save the world for her.


	3. Village At the Base of a Volcano

_**CHAPTER 3:**_ The Village At the Base of an Active Volcano

The Princess of Hallmark, with her ultimate wisdom, told Pan he needed a special document of approval. Many people often ran around pretending to be heroes. It had gotten so bad one year that a fake hero was allowed to go and fight the Large Lizard Lydia and was mushed into strawberry jelly. Since then heroes needed some kind of license. The Princess' loyal servant, Chiquita, made Pan fill out some papers and drew a picture of him. She put it all together and had the Princess sign it on the back. It was his official Hero License.

Chiquita took Pan aside and told him something very important.

"Pan, this card is very important. Don't lose it. I'll teach you the pen number so you can use it to go secret and special places that only the royal family and official heroes can go. It's 789-231. Just remember that Seven ate Nine and 23 is number one," Chiquita told him. He nodded and was led outside of the castle. Outside Chiquita pointed out a village at the base of a huge active volcano.

"It's a really nice place, you'll love it there. And remember... if you fail the Princess then she'll never think you're cool," with that Chiquita covered her mouth and broke a vial of toxic fumes. Pan passed out and Chiquita walked back to the castle.

When Pan woke up it was night time. The misguided puberty stricken children were already coming out of their holes underground. Pan screamed at them and ran towards the village underneath the volcano. At the entrance of the town was a extremely bored guard just as motivated and dedicated to the job as all his other fellow men. Pan glanced at him before running past him.

"Oh suuure! Just run right in! Even if it is 20:45:13 o'clock!" The guard cried out. Pan paid no attention and marched up a number of stairs to another guard standing in front of a closed gate. This guard looked down at Pan. Pan took out his Hero License and proudly showed it to him.

"Hmm... well that's official. Welcome to the village of Costcoriko. We're a small town but we hope to grow. But for some reason the land closer to the erupting volcano is hard to sell... Anyway what do you want? You want to climb the mountain? ARE YOU ABOSLUTELY CRAZY? YOU WANT TO CLIMB A DANGEROUS MOUNTAIN PATH ALONE? HOW OLD ARE YOU? ... 10! Well you can't it's night time. We're only open during the day. Come back when it's morning." And so Pan waited till morning.


End file.
